I’ve been thinking long and hard about our national dilemma and have finally come up with a solution I believe will work for just about everyone. It would mean a little adjustment for Louisiana but I’m sure our bayou friends would agree – the outcome is totally worth the effort.
My solution – Let Texas Secede!
Now before you get all “but we’ve already tried that” on me, consider this. With Texas out of the union, textbook publishers could produce high-quality middle school history books without squeezing in chapters on creationism – Louie Ghomert would no longer lecture us on bestiality – and Ted Cruz could find a better place to read Green Eggs and Ham, better that is, than the floor of the United States Senate.
I realize not everything would change. For example Joe Barton would probably still apologize to BP, but this time he’d be speaking from the Texas Capitol instead of D.C. – with CSPAN filming the entire event.
Now I know, I know, I can just about hear you asking yourselves one vital question…
“What about beautiful Austin?”
Believe me I feel your pain. I live in the city after all, and it’s a shining citadel of reason and intelligence smack dab in the middle of a cow patty of ignorance. But Austinites are a giving bunch willing to sacrifice for a cause. Perhaps we could relocate the entire city en masse, to some place sensible, like say the Amalfi coastline or Kauai.
Judging solely from the conversations I’ve had today with my red-eyed zombie-like neighbors (most of them stumbling over curbs in search of brains) we’d gladly pack our belongings into our hybrids and head for the border – as long as it meant one thing.
Trump would no longer be our president-elect.
Now before you go all, “that’ll never happen” on me, consider this: if Texas had seceded before the election, Trump would never have won. Without Texas’s electoral votes he’d have fallen far short of the needed majority. He’d be flying home to his Florida resort right now and we’d have an actual thinking person shaking Obama’s hand in the White House.
And it doesn’t just have to be one state either. Perhaps Texas could take Oklahoma with it – I’m pretty sure no one would object to that… well, no one that matters. Together they could form the new country of Yeehaw-stan.
Right about now you’re all thinking the same thing: “But what about Trump? Wasn’t he just elected to office and how can we unseat him after that?” Well there’s a simple solution here too – we offer him the presidency of Yeehaw-stan for Life. Think about it for a minute. Texas, after all, has little governmental oversight, a pro-business attitude and a lawsuit happy court system. He’d fit right in. And in Yeehaw-stan, he could build a wall all the way around the entire country. Of course Mexico won’t pay, but I’m guessing the rest of us would pitch in to their Go Fund Me effort. (Note: The wall would mostly serve to keep people in because, let’s face it, no foreigner would ever try to break into that place.)
We all know Texans in general would be much happier with a country of their own. Every year either the Dallas Cowboys or the Houston Texans would win the new Kinda Super Bowl. Also, Yeehaw-stan’s national college football championship would almost always come down to a three-way race between OU, UT and A&M – and without the SEC, they’d actually stand a chance.
So just to be clear, I’m not saying this is the only solution, but in my view, it is the most logical. The fix for our national nightmare is simple… for the sake of our children and our country we must – Let Texas secede!